5 Sep

This summer, I went to Korea with the goal of spending time with my family.
It’s been literally 12 years since our whole family ( my dad, my mom and my sister) has been in one place together.
It would be always 2 or 3 members of our family being together and someone would be missing.
I always felt that a puzzle piece was missing.
So you can realize how excited I was.
I was so excited I could barely sleep on the airplane and movies seemed so dull, they couldnt catch my attention.

But, of course, life doesn’t work out the way you want it to be.
Due to some relatives coming over, I’ve barely had any family time.
My family literally spent time together 4 times within 2 months time.
I know that due to my relatives situation, it couldn’t be helped.
But due to some circumstances, I see them as ungrateful and selfish.
I do not want to see them ever again in my life.
It may seem exaggerated but I’m just so sick of people taking not only me, but my family, for granted.
I don’t see why I should keep people who are lethal to my mental being in my life.
I would have to say this summer was the worst summer of my life.

So, coming back, here I am.
Alone again.
I might have my cat with me but honestly it doesn’t compare to having a person there for me.
I never realized that being alone was such a scary feeling.
I would always wish to be left alone but now thats the last thing I want.

Sometimes, I just wonder why everyone else seem to have a normal family and I don’t.
My family can’t seem to be together like other families.
Other families at least have family dinners once a week but I can barely have that with my family due to circumstances.
I understand that I can’t have everything I want but why is it that something that everyone has, something so simple , I can’t even have?
The rare moments that I got to spend with my family alone during summer was so special to me.
That’s when I realized, ” wow, so this is what family feels like”
We laughed and joked together and that’s when I felt like the puzzle pieces finally came together.
And I wish we could’ve done that everyday while I was in Korea.
It only makes me hate my relatives more.
At this moment, I still hate my mom for not being able to understand where I’m coming from and always protecting the relatives more.
I know that I’ll let go of this anger in the future but right now, this anger is still fueling.

There are times when I want to call my mom and ask her how to make a certain Korean food I’m craving but then I realized I’m still mad at her.
My ego stops me from calling her.
Then, I realized ” Here I am, alone again. No one to turn to”.


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