Hi I’m back

3 Sep

Wow can’t believe it’s been over a year since I’ve written on my blog.

Time surely flies fast. So much has happened.

Looking at my last blog that I have written, it’s crazy how things have turned out.

Previous blog was of how alone I felt but now I come back to this blog as girl craving some privacy and space.

Another valuable lesson I have learned shall be pasted here for the future me to see and learn how much I have grown.

Over the past few weeks, Life has reminded me that selfishness still exists innately in human beings.

A truth I have been forgetting for the past year.  A truth that brings me dread and tears.

I forgot how the bitter taste of betrayal tasted like. I haven’t tasted it since high school.

But here I am again, remembering the sharp salty and bitter taste of it. Just like the Korean herbal medicine.

Bitter but beneficial.

I have learned that I was foolish when presenting my trust to those close around me.

Trust can take long years to build but only one second to destroy.

I believe I am good. I don’t believe I am always the victim ( I know there’s a devil inside me) but I know I am good.

I believe I have proved my goodness too.

But, all i receive is disloyalty and selfishness of others.

The hurt I have received burns my heart so much I do not even want to bother resolving the problem.

I’m emotionally drained.

Being so vulnerable. I hate it. I have no defense to protect my weak self. That’s why I hate her so much.

They all know about me. And I hate it. I want my privacy.

That’s why I come to this difficult decision.

Let me be selfish like them.

Let me be brutal like them.

Let me destroy them like them.

Show them how it feels.

Show them that they have dug their own graveyard.

My ” Eye for an eye” motto has come back and lies on my head like a crowning jewel.

You have brought out the blackness that I have buried.

What have you done.


5 Sep

This summer, I went to Korea with the goal of spending time with my family.
It’s been literally 12 years since our whole family ( my dad, my mom and my sister) has been in one place together.
It would be always 2 or 3 members of our family being together and someone would be missing.
I always felt that a puzzle piece was missing.
So you can realize how excited I was.
I was so excited I could barely sleep on the airplane and movies seemed so dull, they couldnt catch my attention.

But, of course, life doesn’t work out the way you want it to be.
Due to some relatives coming over, I’ve barely had any family time.
My family literally spent time together 4 times within 2 months time.
I know that due to my relatives situation, it couldn’t be helped.
But due to some circumstances, I see them as ungrateful and selfish.
I do not want to see them ever again in my life.
It may seem exaggerated but I’m just so sick of people taking not only me, but my family, for granted.
I don’t see why I should keep people who are lethal to my mental being in my life.
I would have to say this summer was the worst summer of my life.

So, coming back, here I am.
Alone again.
I might have my cat with me but honestly it doesn’t compare to having a person there for me.
I never realized that being alone was such a scary feeling.
I would always wish to be left alone but now thats the last thing I want.

Sometimes, I just wonder why everyone else seem to have a normal family and I don’t.
My family can’t seem to be together like other families.
Other families at least have family dinners once a week but I can barely have that with my family due to circumstances.
I understand that I can’t have everything I want but why is it that something that everyone has, something so simple , I can’t even have?
The rare moments that I got to spend with my family alone during summer was so special to me.
That’s when I realized, ” wow, so this is what family feels like”
We laughed and joked together and that’s when I felt like the puzzle pieces finally came together.
And I wish we could’ve done that everyday while I was in Korea.
It only makes me hate my relatives more.
At this moment, I still hate my mom for not being able to understand where I’m coming from and always protecting the relatives more.
I know that I’ll let go of this anger in the future but right now, this anger is still fueling.

There are times when I want to call my mom and ask her how to make a certain Korean food I’m craving but then I realized I’m still mad at her.
My ego stops me from calling her.
Then, I realized ” Here I am, alone again. No one to turn to”.

What’s the most scary moment of your life?

29 May

This year has been the toughest one so far.

I think faced with so many responsibilities, workload and stress overwhelmed me.

It felt like I was being sucked into the ocean with no air to breathe.

I’m the type of person who likes to avoid my problems, which is a really bad thing to do cause it keeps building and building and building…

Until it explodes.

I’ve had breakdowns but this one was the worst one.

It happened so fast I don’t even know what triggered it.

From my past breakdowns, I’m usually able to control myself after and get myself together.

But this one was different.

Everyone has breakdowns when they’re stressed but I felt like this was more than that.

The reason why I found it so scary is not only because I had no control over myself but because the feeling of hopelessness swept over me so fast.

My reasons to continue  on just vanished in one second. ( Not in a suicidal sense)

But I mean my dreams, goals, wishes, and visions just disappeared so fast as if i never had them.

I think that’s the most scary moment I’ve experienced.

The feeling of hopelessness swept over me so fast it took me few days to get myself together.

The worst thing that can happen to you is when you see no future. You lose sight of it. 

Obviously I got my shit together now but I hope that never happens again.

But I’m still scared deep inside because I don’t know what triggered it. 

So I don’t know if it’ll erupt again and I don’t know if I can control myself the second time. 

In that dark moment, I expected one person I relied on to be there but that person couldn’t.

But I’m over it, and that person. I’ve moved on and moved away from that person.

If that person can’t even be there at least once when I’ve always been there for them, what’s the point of the friendship?


Aside 26 May

I’m literally exhausted. Both physically and mentally.

I just want a really chill life with no worries or anything.

Just want the beach to myself and chill on the sand. Maybe even take a nap.

Don’t want to worry about the future and just keep relaxing.

Aside 24 May

I feel so pathetic sometimes. I really do.

I feel like I give in so easily, I blame my impatient personality.

But I’m tired of having to be the one who has to do everything

Tired of having to wait.

I’ve been blind to the person who’s always there for me and instead of focusing on a lost cause. 

Aside 27 Apr

I used to miss you so much, but I never felt like you really missed me back and so I guess I just stopped missing you.


Why Do We Bother With Love When It Never Lasts

13 Apr

I feel like from what I’ve seen and observed lover never lasts and love is just a cute thought.

It’s just a road to pain.


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